Thriving, not just surviving.

I recently got a new job!

The thing I’m struggling with the most, though, is the feeling of loss and lonliness that comes from the distance between me and my former coworkers. I find myself visiting Chipotle at least twice a week just to see the familiar, just to be acknowledged as a person who once worked there. I am enjoying my time at Panera, but I just don’t know if I’ll ever have the depth of connection with these people as I did with the ones at Chipotle.

I’m also finding that a lot of bad stuff happened to me at Chipotle but I was too deep in to realize how badly it would affect me. The bullying I experienced from my manager and the double standards I was complacent in enforcing are apparent to me now. I wrapped my entire identity up in being a manager at Chipotle. I could not differentiate between where Manager Meg ended and Human Meg began, sometimes I wasn’t even sure if there was a Human Meg. My mom says I’m much more pleasant to be around since Chipotle kicked me out.

I forfeited a healthy romantic relationship for the sake of my job! That’s how deep in I was, I was so committed to my job that the mere idea of dating someone I worked with was enough for me to self sabotage a chance at happiness. I continued to treat him as a boyfriend and we had a distinct ‘sleeping together’ vibe that people picked up on and spread rumors about. I treated him as a therapist and my own personal diary. Looking back now I can see that I viewed him as my sole source of stability because I was myself so unstable. Losing that friendship, even briefly (it was a few months where I was mad at him about a perceived betrayal but looking back was mostly because I felt my sense of stability was gone) sent me on a steep downward spiral that only multiple screaming matches could get me out of. We had just gotten back into a good spot when I got cut down at the knees. We had a long talk about our whole history and I made him promise that we’d still be friends. But just in case he ever sees this: hi, I miss you and I know I’ve said this but I’m so sorry for how I was the past few years.

Anyways, I’m in a much better place now! I have some great people I work with and being fired was a wonderful wake up call for me. Work isn’t everything. Work/life balance is so important. Work should not be priority to building relationships. I can have both. I can work and be happy! My goal for a few years has always been to find joy in the small things, I found that difficult at Chipotle. One can only find joy in a Chipotle parking lot sunrise so many times before it gets old. Everything at Panera is a new experience for me, everything is a chance to find joy, every interaction is joyful (customers are SO NICE here). Joy is easy to find here.

I’m grateful for the time I spent at Chipotle and I’m grateful I got fired when I did. It gave me the opportunity to step back and reevaluate, experience some brutal self-honesty, wallow in self-pity, watch all 4 seasons of Nancy Drew on CW, knit my cat a blanket, go to Disney World with my family (I’m also a Disney Travel Agent now), figure out who I am outside of Chipotle, and just be.

It’s been a year of big life changes but I think I’ll be okay. Actually, I think I’ll thrive.